10:44 pm - August 08, 2004
A real entry.
Do you ever have those moments of clarity? Those moments when suddenly everything kind of falls into place and you understand what is supposed to happen.
Cue last night. It's 11:50, and I'm driving home from Doug's latest party. It was a party to say goodbye to Justin as he moves back to Wisconsin. I was doing what I do when I drive home late at night. Talking to myself to keep myself awake. And everything hit full force. All of these questions and problems that I've been thinking about and holding inside of me over the past several months just suddenly made sense.
I need to change. I'm not sure there's really anyone that fully understands the magnitude of the change that I need to make. I'm tired of portraying the image that I actually do portray around a certain group of people. I don't like feeling as though I need to be one girl with one group of friends and another girl with a different group.
Today was just...too much irony. Danny's message on loving Jesus first...understanding a real love life. I've been trying to pull that in slowly. I've been trying to concentrate on the fact that as much as I love Jordan, he won't always be there. God will. I need to insert this more avidly into my life, which is just one of the causes of all of the changes I need to make.
Kim told me today she didn't think Jordan and I would make it. Honestly, I was surprised, but at the same time...not. Kim has never been the most avid supporter of Jordan and me. I remember her saying to me once that she was surprised we hadn't broken up, I remember her prediction of us breaking up soon (this was at least a year ago). And so I somewhat expected her to say that we wouldn't make it. But at the same time, I hoped that she would have the faith in me to tell me that she thought we could make it. So I suppose I was a little hurt.
But anyway, I know that this is just one of my relationships that has to endure some serious changes. Right now it's hard to make changes, but I know what I want to do differently, and they will be done.
I'm tired of being perceived by my false demeanor. I wonder when I'm going to stop hating who I am, this child of God that I am, and actually find a way to like myself. Maybe if I like myself, I can stop trying to please other people and just be happy that I am who I am instead of being where I am now.
Wow...a real entry.
