10:17 pm - January 09, 2005
Just shoot me.
I have to write. I'm going crazy tonight. I want to talk to one person, and one person only. Just because they can say just what I need to hear, by taking my mind off of everything. I love wise friends.
Today has just been awful. It's the realization of how horrid it is in this house. How awful it is to live in such a place full of silence all of the time. And when it's not quiet...I wish it was. I wish that they wouldn't speak to each other because it breaks my heart to listen to his voice. To listen to the way he speaks. How can you do this to someone? How can you do this to someone you're supposed to care about? Can't you just fake it at the very least? For my sake? I come home for a month, thinking things were different. That's what I had heard. And what had happened? NOTHING CHANGED. It's as quiet as a tomb, and I'm going crazy.
I remember sitting in Mrs. Flanagan's class, and the question was raised of how often each of us had the TV on in our house. And when I said that our TV was on as long as someone was home and awake, everyone thought that was strange. That it was weird for the TV to be on. All four of us could be napping, and it would still be on. We could be eating dinner, and the TV is on. I have my reason why now. It covers up the silence. We can ignore the fact that no one is talking if that Idiot Box is jabbering on in the background. It covers it up. Why did my parents approve of me playing the piano? Maybe because it covered up the silence. It's hard to talk over the piano. Because at home, I play loud.
I hate silence. I think this is why, too. I was sitting...in my room, reading my devotional for the day, and it was SO quiet in that room that it hurt my ears. I hated it. I think it's because of how quiet it is here all of the time, that I just have to have some form of noise. I can be sitting in church, and when we go to silent prayer, I have to just slightly rub my hand on the pew, just to hear that noise. Something to comfort me. One would imagine that prayer alone would comfort me. But being alone with my thoughts and my words to God only makes the silence more unbearable. I feel like everyone can hear what I'm saying, what I'm thinking. And if they knew, they'd judge me.
I can't stand to have people judging me. I just hate it. Nobody knows me. I don't let people in very often. I don't want everyone to know what I'm thinking, because I think I'm a horrible person.
I have just been so bitter tonight. Kelly has been my only outlet. It helped a little.
Tomorrow I'm going to get up early, take my sister to school, and then go and work with an OT for about 3 hours. Then I'll come home, walk the dog, get some lunch, walk the dog again, and then go and pick up Casie from school. Woowoo. I'm actually looking forward to working with an OT though. I don't want to get too far into the program and realize I'm doing the wrong thing. But the problem is...if this isn't what I want to do, I am sooo lost.
Love Always,
Alison
PS: You've been my saving grace throughout vacation. THANK YOU!
