10:38 am - January 31, 2005
If I get any more confused...I might implode
Watch out, I've got a lot of problems at the moment.
I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. Everything that I have right now: I don't want it anymore! Doesn't that sound awful? It's true though. I mean, I just have this intense desire to completely and totally change my lifestyle around.
I came back to my room at 10:30 on Saturday night and my roommates were all gone at a party. And I was pissed. Why? Because that's never been my thing, and I've struggled with that a lot this year. I have 3 roommates that drink, and I don't. How hard is this? I've always hated that underage people drink, but now, it's what I want to do. And I hate that. I HATE THAT. But I can't help it. I want to go out with them and have fun. I know that I can go and not drink, but that's not much fun. What would I do if I wasn't with them? Be with Peter and Eric. But when I do that...Jeannie and Kristen get pissed at me. It's like I can't win with them. I don't drink, which they dislike. They're always trying to get me to drink. So if I don't want to drink, I want to hang out with people that aren't going to put me in a situation where that comes up. But they get pissed off at me for doing that. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm tired of feeling this. I don't want to drink; I'm tired of how much I cuss anymore. I'm losing faith. I'm praying for help, but I don't think that I'm making the required effort. I hate this.
What do I do when I get to Barbados? I'm legal down there. You only have to be 18 to drink. And I'm really only against underage drinking. So technically, I'm not breaking any rules. I wouldn't drink to get drunk, just that we're supposed to be going to so many different parties and clubs, even as an entire group. I don't know!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
I'm struggling so much right now, and I just want to purge everything from before 2005 that was part of my life and start over. Isn't that sick and twisted? I think it is. But it's what I want. I want to lose all of that drama. There's still drama, but it's contained within so many fewer people. I would like to forget MV, mainly. We were at Castleton the other day, and I saw a couple people from high school, and I just wanted to run in the other direction.
I can't believe that a month of this year is gone already. Sigh.
I wish I was going with the boys to New Mex over Spring Break. I'm pretty sure that would be the second greatest trip this year.
I'm going to Notre Dame in 2 weekends, but if my parents ask...I'm not. Jeannie, Kristen, and I have a hotel room booked up there for Saturday night. We're going to the UIndy/Notre Dame tennis match, maybe the ND women's basketball game on Saturday night, maybe a party or two on Saturday, or just hanging around the hotel with Nick and company. We have no idea what the plan is. But I need to get out of here. At the same time, I don't want to leave...but I, well, if I haven't said this enough, I Don't Know.
Love Always
Alison
