5:28 pm - February 20, 2005
Friends: \"It's like...the end of an era.\"
3 years, 7 months, and 20 days. That's how long we made it.
It's been a truly awful day since...lunch. The new church experience went pretty well. Someone asked Peter and I if we were engaged, which we found rather humorous. Apparently, sitting on the same couch makes you engaged. So watch out.
At lunch, I dropped my tray because I'm a spaz. And I had heels on. So I got glass in my foot, and I have a huge bruise on top of my foot, and my shoes are hurting my feet. I think Peter got all of the glass out of my foot though.
Jordan called, and I'm pretty sure there was an ugly moment or two in there, when I was more angry with him than I had ever been before. Well, I had never really been angry at him before, so I guess it was just a strange sensation to actually be mad at him. By the time everything was over, I had pretty much broken down completely, and I had a really hard time getting myself up off of the floor.
So for now, we've broken up. I can't predict the future, so I don't want to say that I know this is the end. I can't say. But right now, we've broken up. And oh my God, I've never felt this sick to my stomach in my life. I feel horrible, because I love him. I really do. He's my first love; I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do without him. But like my mom said, that's part of it. She said that she knew something was going on because we basically never talked. She always would ask how Jordan was, and what could I say but, "I don't know." I could guess...but there was no point in lying to her. It was really good to talk to my mom about it. I was so afraid to tell her becuase she always said if I hurt him, she would be angry with me. And I hurt him, and I hurt myself. And I don't know how many people are going to be upset with me for this decision, but it just wasn't working. And over 2000 miles, it's a little difficult to make something work.
I've never felt so awful. I've been sobbing constantly. I refused to go and eat with the girls. My head is pounding, and of course my mouth still has that metallic taste to it. That's my medicine though. Stupid Biaxin. I'm on 4 different drugs right now to try and fix my sinuses and then for my GAD. I want to take a couple extra of my Lexapro right now. But it would probably either make me sick or deliriously happy. I managed to stop shaking. When I was on the phone, my whole body was trembling.
College has changed me more than I ever thought it would. I made myself a promise one night on the way home from a party at Doug's, and I didn't keep it. And it makes me mad that I didn't keep it because there's something that I should have done to sort out part of my life since September. I've screwed up a lot more than anyone realizes except me. Because just when everyone thinks they know me, that they know everything I've done to screw up this year, they don't. There's always just one more thing that I haven't told them.
I don't know if I like who I'm rapidly becoming. I'm having a difficult time stopping myself though, and I'm doomed to crash into a wall here shortly. And I'll have to pick myself up and start over. I think that's what I really need to do. With God...with everything. And I guess after today's events, I have no choice but to start over. I hate change. I always say that, but look at me. I've changed so much this year. I can't even list the things that are different about me now than the person that I was at this time last year. There are too many.
This entry could go on for years. But I'm going to try and keep my attention focused on Psychology for a short while. Sheesh. I have a floor meeting at 8 that I really don't want to go to. It's gonna blow.
The end.
